A Scale Killed My Sister - by Jenifer Sapel
Hello Everyone,
My brilliant and talented friend Jenifer Sapel lost her sister about a year ago and she recently wrote a poem that I feel is really important to share with you all (with Jen's permission of course).
Some words from Jen about her poem:
"Another glimpse into my journey with grief... While I appreciate concern with these types of posts, I don't share to work through these things on social media, I happily pay a professional for that... I share to help normalize struggle as part of the human experience. Not something to avoid, rush through, get over, gloss over, do alone...
This poem helped me transmute some rage. Our bikini industrial complex (as Emily Nagaski calls it) aka an obsession with a beauty standard - is killing people, mostly women... I'd like to live in a world where the standard for beauty is a genuine laugh or amount of joy someone gifts the world. I'd be interested in knowing what you find beautiful in a person..."
A scale killed my sister
She wrote, “dude, guess how much I weigh. 141lbs. Time to work this belly off.”
She took her last breath 15 days later.
She weighed 118lbs
Of course, it’s more complicated than that, and it’s not
Life, and death, are that way.
Simultaneously wonderfully complex and
Oh, so simple
The scale is a terrible measure of life
The scale didn’t measure the weight or frequency of laughter she created
Or the abundant beauty in her paintings
It didn’t tell the story of her relentless pursuit to mother the way she yearned to be mothered
The scale couldn’t measure the devious look in her eye
Right before she’d slap sense into you using the shortest of sentences
The scale would’ve broken under the weight of her pain
It wasn’t equipped to measure the tenderness of her heart
Or how impossible it was to walk in a world of such senseless suffering
That stupid hunk of materials that projects a one dimensional number
Carrying the voice of a thousand men who sing in unison“you exist for my consumption”
Devoured her
A scale killed my sister
Thank you so much Jen for allowing me to share your words.
As women (and for some men too), we have been taught practically from birth that our value is determined by our looks, our body, our weight, and other arbitrary "merits" that actually have nothing to do with our real value as human beings. We delay the joy of embracing who we are, and the bodies we live in thinking that once we reach our goals or once we accomplish x, y, or z, that we will finally be happy and able to accept and love ourselves.
I'm here to call bullshit on that because I've seen people at every stage of their journey towards health and fitness and we can always find reasons to be unhappy with ourselves. If you don't believe how splendid and uniquely wonderful you are, reaching your goal weight won't matter. This isn't to say that you shouldn't strive to be healthier by eating nutritious food and taking care of your body; those pursuits just need to come from a mindset of wanting to care for yourself, not from believing you're less valuable as you are.
You may not have an eating disorder or extreme mindset about your weight, but if you're anything like me (and most people), I know that you struggle to actually SEE yourself and the special things about you that make you so very valuable and precious.
My hope for you is that you will start working towards loving who you are NOW. Trust me, this is the foundational piece of creating a healthy, resilient body and mind, relationship with food, and a life of freedom from the chains of self hatred and self-sabotage. I know it's easier said than done, that's why I say just start working towards it. Chip away at the uncomfortable work of addressing the trauma(s) in your background, forgiving those who have betrayed you (for you, not them); and maybe most importantly, forgiving yourself for your real and/or perceived mistakes.
Let's give the "Bikini Industrial Complex" the finger and start replacing those negative thoughts and voices in our heads by telling ourselves the truth - that we are valuable and worthy and precious, over and over and over again until we start to believe it.
All my love,
Jeannie
Resources for eating disorder and body image support:
The Eating Disorders Center at EBTCS
The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss & Body Confidence (emphasis on the Body Confidence)
Geneen Roth - books, courses and other resources on food, weight and body image
